116 The One With Two Parts, part 1

[Scene: Rift’s Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.]

Chandler: This is unbelievable. It’s been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you’d be looking like a ham right about now.

Joey: There’s the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?

Chandler: It’s Phoebe! Hi!

Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?

Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here?

Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now I’m here.

Joey: No, no... how come you are working here?

Ursula: Right, yeah, ’cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.

Chandler: Can we start over?

Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. I’m gonna be over here.

Chandler & Joey: No, no, no!

Opening Credits

[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]

Ross: I don’t know whether he’s testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.

Rachel: No, yeah, I’ve done that.

Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.

Rachel: I’ve never done that.

Ross: And then last night, I don’t know what he did but there were capers everywhere!

Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn’t look exactly like her sister.

Joey: I’m sayin’ I see a difference.

Chandler: They’re twins!

Joey: I don’t care. Phoebe’s Phoebe. Ursula’s... hot!

Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Let’s not do that any more.

All: Hey guys! Hey!

Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson.

Joey: Nope.

Phoebe: Morly Safer.

Joey: Nope.

Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!

Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.

Chandler: Your sister Ursula.

Phoebe:  Oh, really.

Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh...

Phoebe: Rift’s. Yeah, I know.

Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven’t talked in like years.

Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?

Joey: Not from where I was standing.

Phoebe:  where were you standing?

Rachel: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don’t get along?

Phoebe: It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"

Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I’m sorry, I’ve got to go. I’ve got Lamaze class.

Chandler: Oh, and I’ve got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym.

Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?

Ross: No, Susan’s gonna be there too. We’ve got dads, we’ve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.

Rachel: Well, isn’t, isn’t that gonna be weird?

Ross: No, no.  I mean, it might have been at first, but by now I, I think I’m pretty comfortable with the whole situation.

Monica: Ross, that’s my jacket.

Ross: I know.

[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, who’s got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]

Woman: Hi, we’re the Rostens. Err, I’m J.C., and he’s Michael, and we’re having a boy, and a girl.

Teacher: Good for you. Alrighty, next?

Ross: Hi, um, I’m err,  I’m Ross Geller, and err ah... ..that’s, that’s my boy in there, and uh, this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carol’s, just, com...who’s next?

Teacher: I’m sorry, I didn’t get... Susan is?

Ross: Susan is Carol’s, Carol’s, Carol’s, friend...

Carol: Life partner.

Ross: Like buddies.

Susan: Like lovers.

Ross: You know how close women can get.

Carol: Susan and I live together.

Ross: Although I was married to her.

Susan: Carol, not me.

Ross: Err, right.

Carol: It’s a little complicated.

Ross: A little.

Susan: But we’re fine.

Ross: Absolutely. So, twins... hah! That’s like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.

[Scene : Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.]

Chandler: And to you too, Helen.

Helen: Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.

Chandler: Oh, okay. Send her in.

Nina: Hi.

Chandler: Hi, Nina. Come on in.

Nina: You wanted to see me?

Chandler: Uh, Yes. Yes. I’ve just been going over your data here, and little thing, you’ve been post-dating your Friday numbers.

Nina: Which is bad, because?

Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.

Nina: Your... excuse me?

Chandler: WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net...

Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won’t happen again. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt your... "wenus."

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]

Monica: Ok, I’ll take “idiots in the Workpalce” for 200 Alex.

Chandler: It’s not just that she’s cute, okay. It’s just that... she’s really really cute.

Ross: It doesn’t matter. You don’t dip your pen in the company ink.

Rachel: God. I even know that and I’m pretty much unemployable. 

Monica: Ross, your little creature’s got the remote again.

Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...

Monica: Great.

Ross: Relax, I’ll fix it.

Rachel:  Cool... "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."

Ross:  How did he do this?

Chandler: So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?

Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year’s... but obviously someone forgot.

Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re... frigerate...  How long has that been there?

Monica: A really long time. 

Chandler: Hey, where you been?

Joey: I went back to Riff’s. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.

Chandler: Score.

Joey: She is so hot!

Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (

Joey: Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked out your sister?

Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do that?  Why?

Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she’d be there.

Phoebe: Well, I mean, I’m not my sister’s, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, it’s true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we’ve grown apart, so, um... I don’t know, why not? Okay.

Joey: Cool, thanks.

Ross: You okay?

Phoebe: Yeah I’m fine.

Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?

[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins’ pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]

Ross: Sorry.

Ross: Hi. Sorry I’m late. Where’s, where’s Carol?

Susan: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I’ll get the information.

Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know what’s going on.

Susan: Oh, good. This’ll be fun.

Teacher: Alrighty. We’re gonna start with some basic third stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why don’t you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting Mummy’s head.

Ross and Susan: What? What? What?

Susan: I am supposed to be the mommy?

Ross: Okay, I’m gonna play my sperm card one more time.

Susan: Look, I don’t see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because I’m a woman.

Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?

Susan: I will flip you for it.

Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!

Susan: On your back... Mom.

Teacher: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath.

Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.

[Scene: Chandler's Office. ]

Chandler: Mr. D, how’s it going, sir?

Mr. Douglas: Ohh, it’s been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.

Chandler: And?

Mr. Douglas: It’s pretty ugly. We haven’t seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies.

Chandler: So what does this mean?

Mr. Douglas: Well, we’re gonna be laying off people in every department.

Chandler: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very…

Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone?

Chandler: No. But that’s not a problem, sir. That’s why my name’s on the door. By the way, you know when I’m getting my name on he door?

Mr. Douglas: I don’t know. I put it in the thing. 

Chandler: It’s okya. So, who is it gonna be?

Chandler: Nina? Nina. Nina.  Nina.

Nina: Are you okay?

Chandler: Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here today was, err... please don’t hate me.

Nina: What?

Chandler:  Would you like to have dinner sometime?

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.]

Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?

Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.

Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn?

Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.

Rachel: Ooh, okay... good.

Jamie: What is this place?

Fran: Look, you’re cold, I have to pee, and... ..there’s a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?

Jamie: I think we have an answer.

Fran: What’s she doing here?

Jamie: This could be God’s way of telling us to eat at home.

Fran: Think she got fired at Riff’s?

Jamie: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... ..bringing swordfish. are you gonna go to the, um?

Fran: I’m gonna wait till after we order. It’s her, right.

Jamie: It looks like her.

Jamie: Um, excuse me.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Jamie: Hi, it’s us.

Phoebe:  Right, and it’s me.

Jamie: So, so you’re here too?

Phoebe: Much as you are.

Jamie:Your turn.

Fran: Err... we know what we want.

Phoebe:  Oh, that’s good.

Jamie: All we want is two Caffe Lattes.

Fran: And some biscotti cookies.

Phoebe: Good choice.

Jamie: Definitely her.

Fran: Yeah.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.]

Monica: I can’t believe you. You still haven’t told that girl she doesn’t have a job yet?

Chandler: Well, you still haven’t taken down the Christmas lights.

Monica: Congratulations, I think you’ve found the world’s thinnest argument.

Chandler: I’m just trying to find the right moment, you know?

Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldn’t be so hard, now that you’re dating.  "Sweetheart, you’re fired, but how about a quickie before I go to work?"

Joey: Hey.

Rachel and Chandler: Hey.

Chandler: You know, once you’re inside, you don’t have to knock any more.

Monica: I’ll get it.

Monica: Oh. Hi, Mr.Heckles.

Mr.Heckles: You’re doing it again.

Monica: We’re not doing anything. We’re just sitting around talking, quietly.

Mr.Heckles: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can’t sleep.

Rachel: You don’t even have cats.

Mr.Heckles: I could have cats.

Monica:  Goodbye Mr.Heckles.

Rachel: We’ll try to keep it down.

Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.

Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present...  ..oh, this is really...

Joey: Oh, no no no. It’s for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.

Phoebe: Ohhh... Sure, yeah...  ..okay, it fits.

Rachel: Are you seeing her again tonight?

Joey: Yep. Ice Capades.

Chandler: Wow, this is serious. I’ve never known you to pay money for any kind of capade.

Joey: I don’t know. I like her, you know. She’s different. There’s uh, something about her.

Phoebe: That you like,  we get it. You like her. Great!

Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay.

Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now it’s not okay.

Joey: Okay... Well maybe now I’m not okay with it not being okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

Chandler: Knit, good woman, knit, knit!

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace. Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. Chandler’s boss opens the door.]

Chandler: And that’s the Chrysler Building right there.

Mr. Douglas: Nina.

Nina: Mr.Douglas.. ..cool tie.

Mr. Douglas:  She’s still here.

Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didn’t I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan. 

Chandler: And err, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly, in fact, he uh, mentioned the word frenzy.

Mr. Douglas: You’re kidding? She seems so...

Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... ..she is whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all.

Mr. Douglas: That’s unbelievable.

Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be assured that she will be no threat to herself, or others.

Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know what’s going on inside a person’s head.

Chandler: Well, I guess that’s why they call it psychology, sir.

[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susan’s lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]

Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of birth.

Teacher: Lights please? And that’s having a baby. Next week is our final class.

Ross: Susan, go deep.

Carol: This is impossible. It’s just impossible.

Susan: What is, honey?

Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doing that. It’s just gonna have to stay in, that’s all, everything will be the same, it’ll just stay in.

Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everything’s gonna be alright.

Carol: OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? NO-ONE’S GOING UP TO YOU AND SAYING, "HI, IS THAT YOUR NOSTRIL? MIND IF WE PUSH THIS POT ROAST THROUGH IT?"

Susan: Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.

Susan: I know it’s frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when it’s over, we’re all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives.

Susan: I mean, that’s what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?

[Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]

Ross: I’m gonna be a father.

Rachel: This is just occurring to you?

Ross: I always knew I was havin’ a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.

Rachel: Oh, you’re gonna be great!

Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can’t even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?

Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different. You might want to look into it. 

Phoebe: Where’re you going?

Joey: Out.

Phoebe: With?

Joey:  Yes.

Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one question?

Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet?

Joey: Well, not that it’s any of your business, but, no, we haven’t, okay?

Joey: You meant sex, right?

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the door.]

Nina: Do you have a sec?

Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. What’s up?

Nina: I don’t know. For the past couple days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks.

Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe that’s because they’re ah... jealous, of us.

Nina: Maybe. But that doesn’t explain why they keep taking my scissors.

Chandler: Ah, well, maybe that’s, ah, because you’re getting a big raise.

Nina: I am?

Chandler: Sure, why not?

Nina: Oh my god!  You’re amazing!

Chandler: Oh, you don’t know.  Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder’s raise?

Helen: So you still want me to send her psychological profile to Personnel?

Nina: What?

Chandler: Helen drinks. Will you marry me?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]

Chandler: So after the proposal, I kind of unraveled. 

Ross: Right. Because you were really in control up until then. 

Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her everything.

Rachel: Oh, how’d she take it?

Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing.  Little tip: if you’re ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... ..on the desk.

Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this.

Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go away? Because I can’t, I can’t watch.

Monica:  okay, Pheebs, they’re gone.

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: Are you alright?

Phoebe: Yeah. It’s just, you know, it’s this whole stupid Ursula thing, it’s...

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he’s going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?

Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I’m not saying she’s like evil or anything. She just, you know, she’s always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn’t let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, when I was twelve, she broke my collarbone. Alright she didn’t mean to do it but I think it still counts. oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?

Monica and Rachel:  No.

Phoebe: Well, but that’s what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldn’t even talk to me any more. Because he said he didn’t wanna be around... anything that looked like either one of us.

Rachel: Oh... Oh, Pheebs.

Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but...

Chandler: You’re not gonna lose him.

Monica: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey.

Phoebe: Yeah. Okay.

Ross: No, come on, he doesn’t know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.

Phoebe: But he’s falling in love with her.

Rachel: Oh please, they’ve been going out a week. They haven’t even slept together yet, I mean, that’s not serious.

Phoebe: Okay... Okay.

Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh.

Ursula:  Oh.

Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas lights. Monica sees her, so she leans out of the small side window.]

Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? It’s freezing out here. Would you come back inside?

Rachel: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so... ..I’m taking them down. Okay? Whoa! 

Monica: Oh-my-god Rachel!  Rachel!

Rachel:  I’m okay! I’m okay!  Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please?

Mr.Heckles: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about.

End