[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.] 

Phoebe:  Hi guys! 

All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi! 

Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go? 

Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!' 

All: Ohh. Ouch. 

Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right? 

Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'. 

Rachel: Since when? 

Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'. 

Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'. 

Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'. 

Rachel: And everybody knows this? 

Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow. 

Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. 

Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm. 

Monica: Uh, Ross. 

Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Milners’ farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi! 

Opening Credits 

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse for a part.]

Chandler: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?" 

Joey: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die." 

Chandler: Hey, that was really good! 

Joey: Yeah？Thanks! Let's keep going. 

Chandler: Okay. "So. What do you want from me, Damone, huh?" 

Joey: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke." 

Chandler: "Smoke away." 

(Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.  He fumbles and drops the lighter.  Then he lights a cigarette, takes a drag, and coughs.)

Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone. 

Joey: What? 

Chandler: Relax your hand! Let your wrist go. 

Chandler: Not so much! 

Joey: Whoa! 

Chandler: Hey! 

Joey: Hey! 

Chandler: All right, now try taking a puff. 

Chandler: Okay. No. Give it to me. 

Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette. 

Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here. 

Chandler: All right, Now don’t think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete. 

Joey: You miss it? 

Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. Oh.. my.. God. 

Joey: Chandler, give me that. 

Chandler: No, no. You’ve got your options. You can smoke like this.

Joey: Chandler!

Chandler: Or you can hold it in your mouth and smoke it like this.

Joey: Chandler, give me the cigarette. Give me. Give me. 

Chandler: All right, you try. 

Joey: Thank you. Okay, how’s this?

Chandler: Okay, that’s not bad. All right, now when you’re finished, it’s really cool if you flick it. You  kinda flick it. You flick it. That’s good. All right, you keep practicing and uh… I’ll go put out the sofa. 

[Scene, Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Rachel is there.] 

Chandler: I though it had to do with size of a guy’s feet.

Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger. 

Joey: That's ridiculous! 

Ross: Can I use.. either thumb? 

Chandler: I’d rather go with the foot theory. 

Rachel: Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! Decaf cappuccino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this! 

All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent. 

Rachel: Good for me! 

(The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters.  She sits down without saying hi.)

Joey: You okay, Phoebe? 

Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, it’s not even worth- It's my bank. 

Monica: What did they do to you? 

Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT- 

Ross: Easy. 

Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account. 

Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again... 

Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them. 

Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it! 

Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing. 

Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! 

Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- I’d hear 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'

Monica: We're with you. We got it. 

(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.) 

Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt. 

Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? Hey. What are you doing? 

All: Oh! Oh, God! Gross

Ross: What is this?! 

Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking. 

Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years! 

Chandler: And this- is my reward! 

Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. Oh you know what? Forget about you! Think about what we went through the last time you quit. 

Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit! 

All: Ohhh! Put it out! 

Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. 

Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now! 

Monica: All right. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date. 

Rachel: This Alan again? How's it going? 

Monica: It’s going pretty good, you know? It's nice, and, we're having fun. 

Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy? 

Monica: Let's see, today's Monday... Never. 

All: Oh, come on! Come on! 

Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve. 

Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry. 

Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out. 

Rachel: Well, then can we meet him? 

Monica: Nope. Schhorry. 

Ross: Joey, Joey, let it go. 

[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work.]

Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd. 

Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. Come on now,  they're your friends, they're just looking out after you. 

Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked. 

Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.. 

Monica: I know, I know! Do you mind if I whimper a little bit?

Paula: Whimper

Monica:  Okay, I’m done. 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]

Joey: Let it go, Ross. 

Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi. 

Monica: Do you all promise? 

All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good! 

Monica: Chandler? Do you promise to be good? 

(Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign.  It starts to rain and he taps on the window.)

Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside! 

(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without saying hi.)

Ross: Hey, Pheebs. 

Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this-  -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone! 

Rachel: What bank is this? 

Monica: Hey. It's him.Who is it? 

Alan:  Alan. 

Joey:  Chandler! He's here! 

Monica: Do I look okay?

Ross: Um, uh, one more button.

Monica:  Okay.

Ross: Closed. How about closed?

Monica: Oh! I didn’t know. 

Ross: Yeah! 

Monica: (to all) please be good, okay?. Remember how much you all like me. 

Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan. 

Alan: Hi. 

All: Hi, Alan. 

Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh! 

[Time lapse, Alan is leaving.]

Monica: Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?      Come on! 

Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at-  You know, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him. 

All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great! 

Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with? 

All: Yeah! 

Rachel: That pimento trick!

Chandler: I will never look at an olive the same way again.

Rachel: And did you notice...? 

The Guys:  Yeah. That’s right. 

Joey: You know what was great? The way of his smile was kinda crooked. 

Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe! 

Ross: ...What shoe? 

Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...' 

Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured. 

Rachel: What future boyfriends? No no, I th- I think this could be, you know, it. 

Monica: Really! 

Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhoff impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right?

Ross: You know what I like most about him, though? 

All: What? 

Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself. 

All: Yeah...